What comes to mind when you think of an impossible question to answer? Do you think about philosophical questions such as what is life? What is the meaning of life? (42). What are we in this universe?
All wonderful questions that are indeed impossible questions with no clear-cut answer. The most impossible question to me, however, is, “what do you want to do for the rest of your life?” Another variation on that same question could be, “what do you want to do once you have that degree?” or, “what are your long term goals?” Again, for me, all impossible questions right now to answer.
I envy the people who can answer these questions flawlessly. Yet, I know there are many people, like me, in the same boat. We are the individuals that are in this boat floating helplessly in a sea of possibilities. The fish that swim around us represent our friends, our family, job opportunities, thoughts, ideas, and goals. The islands that we see represent final destinations that once you disembark, there is no turning back. You are now forever on that island, without a ship to carry you elsewhere. This is how I see the future. It is a terrifying place with unknown outcomes. I know it doesn’t have to be terrifying, but where I am in life and where I have been before, it has always been a frightening aspect in my life.
It is terrifying because I do not know who I am. I do not know where I am going like so many others I see around me. I try not to compare my life with someone else’s simply because this idea is impossible, two lives are not comparable. I do not know what I want to do when I grow up. I’m 23 years old and while other 23 year old’s and younger have some how made it to have multiple degrees, a family, children, and a career… I have not. I feel I am sitting in a constant limbo. In a constant purgatory that throws different things at me, but I can never fully grasp onto the one thing that will remove me from said purgatory. However dramatic this sounds… It is true. Dramatic or not, I try not to dwell in the future or the past. I try to live in the now.
The now, to me, is everything going on around me currently. This means what is happening today, in the next hour, and in the next few hours leading up to the end of the day. The next day? Well, that is not important because that’s tomorrow, not today. I take living in the now very seriously. This is because I tend to start panicking when I think out side of that. What will happen tomorrow? What COULD happen tomorrow? What will I achieve, what if I achieve nothing, am I doing everything to get nothing in return? Yes, it is mostly negative aspects when I think of the future. I just do not know how to get out of this mind frame.
I know there are plenty of people out there like me in the situation of not wanting to worry about tomorrow. It is just so much calmer thinking about today, worrying about what is on my plate today, and achieving my goals one step at a time. Long term goals scare me. Long term goals can end in quick failure. Short term goals are more realistic and achievable. Is this a bad thing? That is not up to me to decide. Honestly, I love my life, but again where is this life taking me?
I see so many people that have their life together or that at least fake that they have their live’s together. Hey, they may very well not have their lives together. It could be the biggest facade ever to look as one’s life is magical, all giggles and rainbows. I just don’t like to put on a facade. I appreciate one of my attributes that is being straight forward and see-through. I want everyone to know that what they see is what they are receiving. I’m not about to change for anyone else or conform to anything I do not believe in. I just find that question so difficult to answer – where am I going in life?
If I do not know where am I going, is there a point to continue? My personal answer to that question is, yes. We can’t give up when the going gets tough. People living in hard times sometimes have the most determination to succeed in life. The point of this article is to not ask for advice, although, feel free to leave me some. I consider myself lucky to hear stories from other people, success or failure stories on how they overcame anything. Yet, the point of this article is just for me to get this off of my chest. If someone out there relates, that is lovely, I hope you know that you are not alone in feeling lost in this world. It is such a huge world, how can we not feel lost sometimes, if not all the time?
I want to walk away from this feeling better and I can say that I am going to. Thank you for hearing out my stress, my thoughts, my insecurities in this world at the moment. I know I am young, but when everything around you says you should be doing something with your life, it can bring you down and get down right frightening.
I am promising myself that as long as I am pushing forward then that is all that matters. No one can ask more than that from me as long as I am trying. As long as YOU are trying every day to make yourself a better person and hopefully make this world a better place. I truly want to effect this world in one way or the other. Be that through charity, through my writing (in the future), through my love for animals, through my hobbies… I hope one day that I succeed at something and look at this post and smile.