We are constantly changing – all the time. It is something that I tend to remind myself weekly of. I will go throughout my day jumping back and forth between happy, sad, emotional, and feeling empty. This brings thoughts of, “what is wrong with me?”, “am I the only one feeling this way?”, and “why are my emotions so out of control?” When really, it is completely normal to feel that way especially if you are living unfulfilled – like me.
Darkness hits me when I sit down, alone, and think to myself – I am 24 years old; what do I have to show for it? I am not in a stable job that I am happy in and I am struggling to find solace in any kind of relationship. However, there are positives in the struggles of every day life. I purchased my first house at 23. That is definitely a positive seeings as I accomplished it by myself, single, and with a job that I would not have classified as a “career”. Therefore, I understand that truly anything is possible with a positive attitude and a goal. Yet, I constantly feel like I am hitting the “reset” button on jobs, relationships, and stability.
So, I guess this is me trying to figure out why I constantly feel the need to hit that button to try to restart my current situations. I know most of my flaws and I am usually not afraid to admit them. However, one of my flaws is running away from situations before they can get bad, so I don’t have to finish dealing with them. I have been constantly working on this one for over a two-year period. My tendency to run away is slowing down, if not coming to a halt, as I am getting it under control. One of my coping mechanisms I have used the past year has been “PMA”. This is a phrase off of one of my favorite Youtube channels meaning Positive Mental Attitude. I have implicated the phrase into everything from work, to my personal life, and even had it tattooed on me as a reminder to remain positive no matter the situation.
Maintaining a positive mental attitude does not mean to be happy all the time. Anyone that thinks someone can choose to be happy all the time is just simply wrong. It is an impossible feat. However, we can choose how we react to any given situation. If the situation is bad and knocks us down, we can either decide to get back up and work harder, or lay down and give up. I would rather get back up, prove to myself that I can keep going, and make something of myself. I have started from nothing and I have made it here with very little, but I will push myself to get what I want out of this life.
Having this philosophy of life has really helped me find my self-worth. Before, my self-worth was really terrible. I thought I needed validation from other people to truly define my life. It turns out, all you need is your self and I have learned the self-care is one of the most important things you can spend your time on. Self-care and self-expression are two things that I have found mean so much to the psyche. Self-care can be anything from sitting down and reading your favorite book to going outside, taking the dogs for a walk, and simply breathing. I find solace in self-expression. Whether that be what I am doing right now – writing – to new hobbies such as drawing (scribbling rather) or painting. Now I am no Bob Ross – and yes, I have done many a Bob Ross video – but putting paint to a canvas truly disperses the bodies energy in a positive direction.
I’m continually trying to better myself by finding new outlets of expression even if I am not the greatest at them. You certainly do not have to be good at something to accomplish a goal or simply to feel better. Life is too short to not take care of yourself and I am so blessed to have learned this at a young age.
Yet, it is easy to find distractions in life, but how long do they last? For me, I have yet to find happiness in my paintings, in my video games, books, or my free time. I know that happiness is not a right, it is more so a choice, but guess my goal is to obtain what one would call happiness. My gut tells me that it lies with finding the right job/career.
For new readers, or for anyone really (because I truly am terrible at updating my blog at a decent frequency) I live in a town called Price in rural Utah. To translate, it means there are zero to no well-paying career options in this town. If you choose nursing, mining, or find yourself scoring a job at the nearest power plant then you have it made… Otherwise, you are shit out of luck. Personally, I have never found that have a degree did anyone any good. I know people that have had degrees and the perspective job chose experience over education. However, I understand that degrees usually get a foot inside the door you want. I am a measly three classes away from my associates, so pray for me. So obviously, I am not anti-college. I have just seen and believe that by hard work and experience one can obtain just as much as a person can that holds a degree.
Degrees are not everything, but having access to different jobs help as well. That is exactly what Price is lacking. We have many retail jobs whether that be at a gas station, a grocery store, or a coffee shop Price has us covered in that area. However, anything that is really business-like or clerical work, you are out of luck if you can’t get a reception position at the hospital or a doctor’s office. These jobs rarely come up for grabs due to the fact that people understand what a great job they have in this area. Personally, I find myself wanting to pursue something clerical simply because that’s an area I know I excel in. This kind of job has yet to present itself as of yet.
Currently I am still in retail. Now, do not get me wrong. We need people in retail and if you are a people-person retail is SO right for you. I just find it mentally exhausting for multiple reasons. The first being that my current job is so mindless that I have a hard time getting through an eight-hour day because there is no challenge. Secondly, I am just mentally exhausted of people. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I simply mean that I do not have the personality to interact with people without becoming lethargic because my mindset becomes terrible by the end of the day. I need something that challenges my brain. Preferably something that each day is different.
There is hope. There is always hope. I have an upcoming interview with a group that could potentially turn into a career position. It pays well, the hours are excellent, and it brings a lot to a place such as Price. I have my fingers crossed and that positive mental attitude to push me through and hopefully I will be back at this keyboard informing my readers that I have a new, secure, and challenging job! I am definitely not giving up simply because I am not secure and happy where I am currently, that is for sure.
I know this post has been a little all over the place, but so have my thoughts. Thus, this mess of a post was created. I have received feedback from several of my readers that they appreciate the honesty of posts such as these. So, I hope in the end it wasn’t too boring to get through and if you would like, you can stay updated on my boring life. I just need a place to put all these thoughts whether they are big or small, if it’s a small poem, or hell, maybe even a short story idea.
Again, I would love feedback. Thank you for reading!
PMA, my friends.