Anxiety – emotions in hiding

Each and every one of us has dealt with one kind of anxiety or another in our lives. Some handle it much better than others. Whether you suffer from social anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, or PTSD… Your feelings are validated and they matter.

It is easy enough to say, “I’m feeling okay” when really, you are losing your ever living shit to the battle that we call life. It is also just as easy to apologize again and again for disappearing for days at a time because you are alone, trying to get your emotions in check. I do this so much. Yet, it has been eating at me that this is not the way that it should be. I should be able to go up to anyone and tell them, “Look, I’m having an anxiety attack, I love you, and I will be okay but at a later time”. How many of us do that? Yeah… Me either.

Personally, I suffer from anxiety in the form of panic attacks. I cannot even begin to explain to you what this entails because somewhere deep in my subconsciousness, I see this flaw as shameful. Shameful, embarrassing, out of my control (which causes more panic), and down right disgraceful.
I do believe that anxiety disorders have become more accepted due to the fact that mental illness is finally catching ground in the scientific community as something that is not just “made up”. All mental health disorders have come so far in the the last decade alone and I pray that it keeps going that direction to find healthy solutions for all. We just have to be comfortable in ourselves to grasp these solutions.

Knowing there is a solution, or something that will help you, and following through with that solution is easier said than done. The first step is to realize you have a problem. For me, that is easy to do. I do not believe that my anxiety is something that I need to hide from people. If you suffer from these things, it is best that the people around you know about them, so they can help you. It is so easy to look back, from a distance, and say that it is easy to confide in another person… Because it is not. I know this. However, I also know from experience that you do not have to deal with these issues alone. You may be surprised at the conversations that come up when confiding in someone, or a group of people about your own mental health.

Taking control of our mental health is a tricky thing to do. From my own experience, there can be a constant back-and-forth between feeling amazing and falling into the pit. I have been battling with this lately, trying to understand what I need, failing, and restarting. Loved ones will give you advice that may or may not work, but just know that it is from their best intentions. Also, loved ones, please know that there might be an ice burg of information you are also missing simply because anxiety is in the way of it surfacing. I do agree that finding and experiencing new hobbies is an excellent way of not only dealing with anxiety, but dealing with any form of mental standstills. I have picked up many in the last three months.

New hobbies can be anything from reading more, picking back up on your favorite TV shows, painting, crafts, drawing, or picking up writing. These are all things that friends and family suggest in dealing with mental hiccups. They are great distractions, but even I know that painting a pretty picture doesn’t magically heal you, but it does help. I have picked up everything lately from acrylic painting, reading more, having three separate journals for different thoughts, making a board of things you are grateful for, and getting outside more. These have been so helpful and great for me to pursue. It has opened up a whole side of me that I hardly even knew. I would go so far as saying that I’ve met a whole new person in myself and she is a creative bad ass that needs to be set free.

But I keep her locked up most of the time.

I’m not punishing myself as though it may sound from the thought I just produced. However, I am simply informing myself and you (the reader) that my anxiety is winning lately; It is winning for reasons unknown. I fully understand that through writing my thoughts down, it should help me understand and push through. Again, easier said than done.

I know I need to talk things out and let someone understand the entire process of what my anxiety feels like, but the moment I do that – I am vulnerable.

Vulnerable to the idea of someone understanding too much of me.

Vulnerable to the idea that someone now can judge me from an understanding deeper than most of my friends.

Vulnerable to be used as a crutch the next several times I suffer from attacks.

Vulnerable to be seen as I am.

Vulnerability is not something I enjoy being, clearly. I have become a stronger person due to all the things I have been through up to this point. I’ve been called a doormat many a time and I refuse to let that happen again. I definitely think I have grown. I do not apologize or regret the person that I have become. I simply have let go of putting myself last. I am constantly putting other’s well being before mine. I leave my feelings to sit and rot because I have loved ones that need me more. At the same time, I feel that is what I do best and that is where I like to be. I guess, it just has been eating at me more lately because I can feel myself losing.

By saying I feel myself losing, I am fine. This isn’t me giving up, this is me trying. Trying to get a grasp on my own thoughts, what they mean, what my body and soul need, and what I can do to work together with my friends so in return, I can help them. I’m a giver and that is what I love to do. I just am strong enough to realize that sometimes the giver needs help.

I am strong. As the title suggests, I just have emotions that are indeed, hiding. I know I have insecurities that are stemming from and to all aspects of my life right now. The idea of being “happy” all the time isn’t realistic by any means. I know I am doing all that I can in helping myself, keeping my head up, and understanding myself enough to get it all on the table. Thus – one makes a blog and types all their emotions regardless of who reads it.

To anyone reading who is suffering from any form of anxiety. Seriously, talking to a trusted human about your attacks helps tremendously. It is not shameful to not want to deal with your demons alone. Hell, I am open to messages simply to be a listener in your time of need. I’m a huge advocate of PMA (positive mental attitude) and sometimes that is all you can do. Just maintain that positive mental attitude.

Do not give up. 🖤

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