I’ve spoken about anxiety, friendships, my adventures, hobbies all on this blog before mainly because it is a wonderful outlet. Lately, however, I have had so much on my mind that has made me feel quite lonely. Even though there may not be truth in that. I am in no way saying that my friends or family have not been there for me when I need them. They have been. Big ‘PREC! Sometimes loneliness just hits and however irrational it may be, it is still relevant. All feelings are valid! Do not get me wrong, I have some seriously wonderful friends, I could talk about them all day. Except they already have a blog post (😉).
Life has been wonderful lately, do not get me wrong when I sound a little down in the dumps. I have very little to complain about. It is simply the smallest-stupid-tiny-little things at this point that I need to take more control over regarding my every day life.
So, I truly had a hell of a time at the beginning of this year. Everything hit me at once like life usually does. “When it rains it pours” except that is not just a sang people like to say, it is indeed, a fact. I wanted so badly to get out of a terrible situation regarding a job I once loved, I was in a life transition of being a home owner, and I was honestly in a transition of the people I would be surrounding myself with. New jobs, ideas, and people. I had so much anxiety at the beginning of 2019.
I cannot get into detail of the job that I left behind due to the fact that I do not want to be stuck in the past in any way. I want to let it go… Move on. It was just a huge change for me. This job not only was two years of my life – I related working this retail, dead-end job as my only form of success. For some reason I thought that the job was the reason I could or did purchase a home. That ideology is the furthest from the truth. I bought my home, I am independent, I saved up my money from my hard work to get where I wanted to in life. It was not because of a job that I accomplished that. It was what I made of the situation that I had created and been given. After roughly six months of attempting to get away from this job, I finally was able to move to a smaller retail job while I worked to strive for greater. This turned out to be a very smart move because I am where I want to be now. It all worked out in the end.
I have a wonderful job now. I work back in an office, which I know I said I would never do, but honestly, I missed it. It is a nice atmosphere to be able to get to do your job without being too micromanaged. I do a very good job and strive to do better every day! I love my job, have zero complaints, and would recommend to a friend!
Lesson learned: I am worth so much more than a shitty retail job for a shit pay rate. Do not put up with work harassment because they sign your paycheck. Happiness is so much more important that that small check that gets you by. Work hard, look for better opportunities because they are always out there even if you have to do a little digging!
In other good news, the relationship section of my life is also going well. That is all I will say about it simply because I value my privacy and not everyone needs to know where I have found some happiness. 🖤
However, I digress in revealing my true feelings that brought about me to typing away on this keyboard. There, of course, is always negative in the happiness… That is simply life and I am okay with that. I came to terms with that idea a very long time ago. Not everything can be peachy all the time. Is it really life without pain? While January was a semi-shit month, it was not terrible. I gained a lot from going through that. I am stronger than I was six months ago. I am a completely different person than I was nine months ago.
The end of January into February was quite possibly the worst *year* month of my life thus far. My cousin passed away.
I will not go into detail regarding anything about the details of the entire day, week, month, and thereafter… However, I will say that is suicide is never the way out. It is not the only option, it is never an option, it will not save your from your problems in this life. You’re not alone. We have all been there… We have all been to the darkest parts of our brains, in the deepest wells of our souls, in the darkest times of our lives that you have to know it is not the way out. It might sound like it is the easiest, but it is not. Nothing about it is easy. Nothing. I know everyone who has ever attempted or has passed away from this has regretted it instantaneously. I can never again go through something like this again. The crappy thing is is that I know I will and probably not just once. I cannot, however, go through seeing my grandmother cry because of physical-emotional pain ever again. That broke me. Seeing the acceptable anger, everyone you love completely distraught… That is enough.
Buddy Mills you are forever in my heart and always on my mind 🖤
1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
There is absolutely no shame in talking to someone, anyone. I have. I have seen a psychiatrist for numerous things. I think it is important to be aware of your mental health. How do you truly know yourself if you can’t speak to someone about the tiniest details? In a way it is a fun idea to know your flaws. Once you know and understand these perfect imperfections, it is fun. You get to be you. There is nothing better than being nothing but your pure-self.
You know what is funny? Is that finally being able to type that out of my heart feels good, but it makes everything else seem so small. So irrelevant. All the other issues are in fact, irrelevant. Things like friend drama, wondering of people like you, distance between friends, separation, people being shady, and all that other crap that life will forever be a constant is completely irrelevant. While, sure… It is important… It is as important as one wants to make them be. Honestly, right now I am having a hard time making these small things relevant. I am one that would rather eradicate it from my life in general.
That truly is not because I am this horrible person. It is just because I don’t like wasting energy on things that I do not find as dramatic as other people. Things that need to be out in the open, I shove out in the open. I talk to people, I get my feelings on the table early usually to avoid blowing up. I am a realist. I am brutally honest with people, but when it just builds up and builds up… Then I end up writing a blog to get my feelings out on the table that maybe I did not even realize I had.
Currently, I am feeling like I just want to be an adult. Live my life to the fullest that I can make it, but truly leave my younger, naive side behind me. Not that I want a dull life, I am not saying that. What I mean by this is growing up. I am going to be 25 this year, actually in a month. I am ready to start a new section of my life where I really want to start focusing on a great future. That just means you have to grow up. If people aren’t willing to grow up with you, have different life views or are on different life paths that is fine, but sometimes they cannot come along on that path. Whether this be significant others, friends, or acquaintances… It is all the same. I truly hope that does not come off as rude, but I am very self-sufficient. I am definitely looking out for myself lately and I will stand by that. I want to surround myself with people that compliment that.
A few days ago I went to our local rock shop in Helper, UT (shout out). While I was there the lady working at the register stated, “You look pretty today! You really look like you have been working on letting go of a lot of negative energy. I just want to say that you are doing a killer job! Get it!” I almost cried. Having someone, a complete stranger notice that I am doing a good job at letting go of what I do not find worth my time anymore meant THE WORLD to me. It hit me hard. I have been trying to be a people pleaser for so many years of my life, but now it is time for a change. I am living for me. I have been through so much crap through this 25 years of life to not put me first as a priority.
Stay grounded. Keep it real. Be optimistic, but also be a realist.
Until next time. 🖤