Ramblings

Coming to terms: Thoughts

We all have our truths. What we know to be true from our own perspectives. Regardless if those truths aren’t factually true, they are true to us and that is what matters. These truths arise from anything really. From made up stories, extensions of what really took place, and even conversations that never happened. It all comes to bite you in the end.

We live in a society that craves attention. Social media has brought rise to a generation that craves immediate satisfaction. In this satisfaction, we create a version of ourselves that does not truly exist. The worst part? We lie to ourselves. We lie to ourselves about who we are, who we think we want to be and the face we put forward. This begs the question, who is this hurting?

In most cases, a white lie to make ourselves seems more presentable is not a sin. Except that the white lies turn into actual lies that grow and grow, until one finally loses control. What does a person do when they have lost control of both the person they presented and also themselves? They blame others.

As much as we all pride ourselves on being a trusting and also truthworthy human being, we have all fell victim to either being the blamed or blaming. No one is perfect. However, it is the unnecessary blaming of close aquantice that always seems to shock you the most. They always say it is the people closest to you that will hurt you the most. Simply from experience, I sadly, find this to be true.

We all have experienced denial. Being lied to and facing it head on, all while pretending it never happened. We smile past what we know to be true, but we would rather ignore it to move on with our lives. Ignorance is bliss, friends.

In this ignorance grows anger. Anger is something that we should never let bottle up. It sits and it waits to be released. I, myself, experience this too much. I tell myself that everything is fine, I bottle things up, and then one day when the final piece of straw breaks the camals back, I have a mental breakdown. Then I get right back up again, wash the slate clean and repeat!

Anger is a huge reason I am writing this at all. It snuck up on me today. I’ve always been quite good with putting things in perspective before using my words, but lately… The brutally honest without consequence part of me has risen. I will never say that being honest is a bad thing. It is when I go a little to “ham” and end up having regrets.

Lately, I have no regrets in being brutally honest. It is just making me realize the satisfaction of putting my true feelings on the table without care of what other’s will think. It has been refreshing. Simply getting my truths out there helps substantially in regards to my mental health.

We’ve talked about anxiety and mental health quite a bit on this blog. I do not intend to stop. I’ve had such great support in my own life that I would love if my writings could even touch one human in a positive light.

I’ve been doing very well with my mental health as of late. However, today I did have an anxiety attack that seemed to come out of nowhere. I found it surprising to say the least. I do not see myself as any weaker than any other person, but I do wish to know what causes them so I can avoid the problem in the future.

Currently, I have not found what causes them as of late. I keep finding myself in spits of depression with absolutely no cause behind it. I find myself overthinking things, not sleeping very well – fighting insomnia, and wanting more free time to do absolutely nothing. The reasons could be anything down to the summer heat. I cannot say that I have depression nor would I want to. I fight my battles with anxiety and panic attacks mostly. They have been staying away the past few months, but I can feel the attacks creeping back in slowly. When I figure out the reason why… Well that will be another blog.

To deal with these feelings I have still been painting quite a lot lately. Even made my own Etsy shop, got my art put up in a lovely shop in Helper, UT and have made it a business rather than a hobby! So all in all, I have been doing pretty great. I certainly have a lot more to say. I have promises myself to write more as it is a completely different sort of expression than painting alone.

Therefore, here is to more blogs to come! 🥂