Guess who thought they were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but turns out they went deeper past that initial light into more darkness? Yeah, it’s me.
I am having an incredibly hard time understanding my thoughts, understanding how tired I am, and understanding that I have no motivation lately. I’m not like this.
It is hard to talk about things that one truly does not understand, but you know, I try my damnedest to do so. The last few days I have been dealing with not only my own feelings (both good and bad), but with sustaining the mental health of others that was recently put on my shoulders.
Today, I was told, “Of all people I thought you would understand dealing with depression”. No. I do not. I do not understand how one deals with depression. I do not know understand how some people cope at all in this world, so why in the hell would I understanding someone else’s depression. How selfish would I have to be to say to another, “Hey, I understand YOUR depression”. I am blown away here. Usually I write about how my own inner-thoughts make me feel. It feels great to put things in perspective by typing them out, re-reading them, and editing them. Today, however, I don’t feel so good about it.
I just keep having different people hit on subjects that truly effect me. I would not say that they “trigger” me, but for lack of a better word, I am triggered. I’ve dealt with being there for other people in their darkest of times. I like to think that I am a good person when it comes to that sort of thing. Others, most people I’ve come across, have dipped out as soon as I have ever mentioned anything on the darker side of my mind. I try not to be judge mental and accept people for who they are. It is just when it gets thrown back in my face that I realize that some people will use you until you are exhausted and have nothing left for yourself.
I have mentioned that I have been completely unmotivated, a little sad, and a little in self-loathing for reasons that I cannot comprehend, but I do try. It just hurts when people want to add to that instead of taking away some of that weight. I do not think that I have spoken about my past much on here because well, I look to the future, there is no sense in looking back… That being said, I remember the best memories, the funniest moments, but I do look at the bad as learning experiences. Lately, I have just been seeing the same red flags I saw years ago in a not-so similar situation.
I mainly just have one thing to say in regards to this situation… You cannot put your demons onto another person. That is NOT me saying that you cannot put confidence in others to take some of your pain away, but you cannot expect them to “fix” things. Sometimes I think we do this without realizing. It’s only human and I will fault no one for doing so. However, when you put someone up against a wall for a) either not knowing what they want b) wanting different ideals than you or c) simply wanting to enjoy life rather than making a hullabaloo, I just think you’re setting things up for failure.
Wanting different things is not bad it is just the idea of holding these things over another’s head is what is terrible. I definitely think that we can all relate to getting locked into a situation that was bad for us. Personally, I promised myself that that would never happen again. I value myself too much for that to happen. As selfish as that may be, it is what is right for me. I’ve been called dramatic, intense, or extreme as of late simply due to the fact that I know what I want. The gist of it is this: I do not want to play games.
I’m an adult. I own a home. The head games from high school, making people feel bad, and attempting to guilt trip people is the absolute worst. I have said stuff like this before about wanting to grow up. That being said, I have come a long way with that. I have grown up. While I do have flaws, I truly know where I want to be in my life at least socially and romantically. The past two years, I have been alone. I built a life around developing myself. Honestly, being alone is addicting. It’s so addicting it can be scary. I know I am not the first person to say that, but it truly is once you have had a taste of it. Simply having that peace of mind of no bullshit is deafening that anything else becomes irrelevant.
That is not to say to just give up and be alone. It is not healthy regardless of how good it may feel at times. Loneliness digs deep and I have found it to be a personal demon that I have had to confront on several occasions. Letting people into my life is a hard thing for me to do though. I sometimes cannot believe that some people act like you owe it to them to be in theirs, however. If someone wants to be in your life, they will be in your life if it is meant to be. People come and go… We are a constantly changing being and I feel like that part of humanity is sometimes forgotten.
I am not the person I was last week, last month, last year… Change is good even though, yes, it can be terrifying. You may start to ask yourself the question: Where do I go from here? The answer is unknown. We have to build that for ourselves. Life won’t simply present itself just because we want it to, we have to go out and get it. That being said, I simply won’t put up with things that I would have in the past. I know my strengths now. I’m not afraid to say “no”. The power of having enough of confidence to say “no” can be scary to others, but you have to what is right for you.
So, I guess this is me saying: No.
I refuse to set aside all my growth to recede back into a place that I worked so hard to get out of. I refuse to give up my morals for the benefit of other people. I have too much pride in the work I have put into myself to let that go. My mental health has been so important to me lately; It truly has taken priority. I am getting more confident in the idea of going to talk to a professional, I am taking more days for myself to decompress, and I am taking time to understand my feelings before I act or say upon them to others.
My happiness is taking priority and I truly refuse to apologize for it.