I have avoided this topic for a very long time. It has just became more relevant in my life that I think it is a good time to get it out there. May I introduce to you, my relationship insecurities!
Why address them? Mostly because I have to unravel things that are jumbled up in my own head to truly understand them. This one has been building up for awhile and has been affecting my social life a little too much as of late. I try to understand it, but as hard as I try, I end up back at the keyboard *click-clacking* away.
I have made a promise to myself that I will never bring up the details of my past long-term relationship simply due to the fact that I don’t want to talk about it. It has been two years plus since that ended. I did my talking back then for a year trying to better myself, learn from it, and even get some flack for it but I am here now and I am the better for it. However, would not recommend to a friend.
I do have to say that abuse is real. It does not need to come in the form of outward bruising for the world to see. In fact, that is foolish of anyone to even fathom of that being what defines abuse. No abuser is wanting to be called out for that. They are smart in what they do, when they do it, and who is around. Abuse can come in the form of simple (in absolutely no way is abuse simple…) psychological abuse as well. Which, sometimes can be more damaging than physical. It is a terrible thing in fact, that sometimes, the abuse does not go away simply because the abuser does. You will have people who do not believe you… Which I have to say, hurts much worse than what I experienced. I want to tell everyone right now:
I will ALWAYS believe you.
Looking back, I have always been in a state of shock, I guess… About what I allowed to happen for roughly seven years of my young-life. It is amazing what “love” can make you do, what it can make you believe, and what it can put you through. Love can be a dangerous game. People can use it to manipulate you if you are not careful. While it can look so inviting on the surface, it sometimes can be so dangerous once you look past the mist hovering over your eyes. Now, do not get me wrong. I know that sounded extremely cynical, but I have not given up on the entire idea of love. I just know now to be careful with who I allow into my life.
Even now, the red flags that pop up are sometimes easier to ignore than deal with. I have a very bad tendency to “dip out” when things get difficult. In the recent months I have learned that I have PTSD from my past relationship. Again, that relationship lasted seven years of my life and boy, did it do a number on me… Apparently. The first thing you should know about this, I had NO idea one could get PTSD from a relationship. However, per a few Google searches and reaching out to people, yeah, apparently that exists. Which makes sense, yes… But I am a stubborn human and like to pretend I’m fine rather than deal with the situation at hand.
It started slowly. Eventually, I found myself liking a guy after all this time. I mean, yes, there are had been conversation here and there with other people, but no one I could actually see a relationship with. Then this one guy found a way in, took down some walls, and I couldn’t even believe I was even considering the word “relationship”. As time unfolded, I noticed panic attacks happening a little more frequently and in a form that I have never experienced them in. I would start shaking, sweating, getting light headed, having trouble breathing… These things would be triggered simply by a word. For example, the word “bar” one time set my body off into a full on panic attack in the middle of a lunch with friends. To give some context, obviously things happened in or around bars that I was not much involved in in my past relationship that triggered the panic attacks. I thought I had actually dealt with this, however. My 2019 resolution became overcoming my irrational fear or rather sickness of bars. So I went out with my friends New Years night (my ex was even at the same bar – slightly awkward) and I drank, stayed til mid-night and had an okay time!
It was completely frustrating due to the fact that I had taken the time to deal with this on my own time before said guy came into my life. Yet, it was only when it involved a significant other did these attacks happen. It got me Googling and questioning my sanity. Why would this set me off? Well, turns out the answer was simple in that I have PTSD. There were two other events to support this idea of me having PTSD, but I am not going to get into those. I am still in shock that I could possibly have PTSD from the events that happened over a seven year period.
The thing about this, however, is I find it completely embarrassing. Not only that, but I feel so angry about the entire ordeal. I know the answer is getting professional help, go talk it out, and learn the coping mechanisms to move on. Yet, I’m not ready to do that yet. It is… was traumatic for me and I do not want to relive it by talking to a therapist as of yet. I am angry because how am I suppose to move on? I try so hard, but when I think I am doing okay something happens and I feel like I revert backwards instead of moving forwards. I am in no way saying that I need another person in my life, but I mean, it would be nice to have a partner in this life again. Except that I come with baggage and who would want to deal with? I hardly want to deal with it myself.
I do tend to run from many things, but I have tried to face this head on. Recently, I have had that thrown back in my face. Honestly, it hurt not in the way of losing someone, but in the way of my mind reverting back to “you’re not good enough”. I know I am good enough, but I know we have all dealt with those negative thoughts saying, “no, you are not”. It is all so confusing, isn’t it? Even typing this out, I am finding myself with more questions than answers. I am honestly terrified of the next person I like enough to open myself to and scaring them off because I am damaged goods.
I know that is no way to think about yourself, but sometimes it is hard not to when I put so much time and energy in the first go around to end up here. I have worked on myself for the past two years in growing, understanding, and learning from every experience. Therefore, it is a little bit frustrating meeting the one obstacle that I cannot seem to get across.
However, I know there is light at the end of all dark tunnels. I know I will find the right person to help me through this. I am not in any way stating for anyone to fix it for me or to “take” it away from me, but to work together for the betterment of us both. I know it is out there somewhere… Eventually to come my way or vice versa. I have to be optimistic in that at least.
This is a post that I have been wanting to get off my chest for awhile now, but because of how hard it is to simply bring up in conversation. Let alone talk about in detail. This is something that I just found out recently, so it is nerve racking to let other people in on this idea that I am in one way or the other, slightly broken. I do not see this as a bad thing, but as something that I work towards to better in myself. I will get through this.
I have been painting like a mad-fool, I have been wanting to write more blog posts, and I have been more open about my feelings and needs than I ever have been. It is all good things to come. Life simply would not be life without the rough patches. That would just be boring. I like that I have something to work towards even if it is a little tough for me to deal with. I know that I am strong enough to get through it. Hell, God knows I have been through so much worse to get to where I am today and where I am today I achieved by myself and it is good.
So, I will leave on that positive note that everything is still good even when it seems bad. We have to look on the bright side of life. We need to reflect more on what we have going for us in our lives, not focus so much on what is trying to work against us. I have my home, my dogs, my friend and family all that I love with all my heart.
That is what is important.