I have been thinking too much about what to write rather than actually writing. Which then leads me to simply not right anything. So, here I am… Laying in bed on a Sunday awaiting another work week while pulling out the iPad instead of sleeping. Classic.
Therefore, I guess I am just going to write what is on my mind. Whatever comes up. Lately, I have been noticing a trend within myself. Something I do daily based on what I can only imagine is due to boredom… I am extremely hard on myself… Constantly. I would even go so far as to say unnecessary. Why do I do this to myself? I can be literally be doing wonderful, but I will find something to critique about myself. It will come in the form of at least one or more of the following: I am not good enough, I am slacking at work, I am not good enough at writing or drawing, what if I am not in the right place, where do I see myself in the future, does any of this matter, I am gaining weight, I am not exercising enough, I am not eating good enough, I am trash… All of these negative things that just eat at a person.
Why do we say these things to ourselves? I know I deserve better than that, but yet, here we are. I am doing so good in excelling in my art, I am doing very well in at least even making plans to keep my blog up, and I am doing pretty okay with everything else! Yet, my brain seems to wander in the darker side of itself unleashing waves of negative thoughts. Even when I tell myself that it isn’t true and give myself affirmation the thoughts still linger in the background. I would not call this a form of anxiety. Rather, I would call it having too much time.
The issue here is that these thoughts do usually happen when I am doing something. Whether I be at work, working on art, or even simply trying to enjoy a day off. I am constantly thinking to myself that I need to be accomplishing something at all times. It is hard for me to come to terms with having a day to do nothing even when I have earned it. I’m a pretty normal adult. I work 40 hours every week, take care of my home, and have the weekends off. Even on those weekends, I try to fill my time with both things I need to finish but also leisure time to recoup.
It seems my recouping time sometimes is filled with me pondering what I could be doing better, however. Instead of actually gathering my thoughts, taking “me” time, and freshening myself up for a new week, I am running myself down without much thought. Needless to say this is the exact reason I feel so run down during my actual work week. I am not run down physically, but I usually run out of motivation by Tuesday. This usually brings me to the part of my week where I try to figure out what is wrong, what I can do to make my mood better, and ways to fit more “me” time even into my work week. They do say balance is everything.
So, I guess I have been struggling with balance lately. I have been struggling not only with balancing my wants verses my needs, but also my sleep schedule. Honestly, I think there are a few things I need to work on, but I have no idea where to start. When I say I will do something I do seem to fall short lately. It brings me to wonder, what needs fixing in my life? What needs to be refreshed? Sometimes hitting the “reset” button is a good thing, but what if you do not know what needs the hard reset? Maybe I do need to refocus and really work on myself. Even that thought seems difficult just saying it. Am I simply unmotivated?
Unmotivated or not, I do know that it is just fuel to push myself to get passed these small bumps in the road. All people go through these feelings daily. Most people simply refrain from talking about their inner-thoughts, let alone write an internet post about them.
I am simply ranting to myself with this one, honestly. Just making sense of some scrambled, jumbled thoughts that have been floating in my brain. I do always feel better getting things off my chest, so why not? Anyone who was here with me, thanks.
I am planning on writing A LOT more often! I am getting a PC here in the coming week! This means, I will have an area to actually sit down and write. Currently, I am working off an iPad that I truly do not enjoy using for this kind of thing. So I am very excited to have my own space again. I will definitely give everyone a huge update when that arrives! I’ve also planned a few blogs ahead, so content will be coming (interesting or not)!
Image credit @TRoxanne23