Life Events · Ramblings

Growth

I had many people say that they wanted me to write about relationships as my next prompt. I gave it so much thought, wrote down some things I needed to get off my chest, gave it even more thought, and decided that it is not worth trudging up old news for a post. However, I will write about my thoughts and opinions regarding relationships… Just not the details of mine.

I’ve really only been in one long relationship that ever mattered. The rest have been a few months here and there. I truly do not count those as “relationships” due to the fact that they were not long enough to form an actual relationship. Some were fun, sure. Some were lengthy and painful, but they are there regardless. I did not learn anything from the smaller “hang-outs” and I don’t cherish any moments from them. Call me callous, I guess. It’s not that I didn’t like them at the time, but I don’t really cherish anything that doesn’t help me build as a person.

The one relationship that did develop me into a portion of who I am today… Was long. It had it’s ups and downs. By the end, the downs just became too much to bear, so I had to leave. I know people in my hometown have their own stories to what happened. I think that is hilarious due to the fact that I don’t know any of these people who have their own theories. Funny, I don’t remember anyone else in my relationship except us two… However, there are more than at least 5 people who I know think they “know” the story. I can tell you right now, you don’t. There are two sides to every story. Two people to tell their own side of a whole story. Which one is correct? I doubt we will really ever know.

I am not here to re-tell any story of my past relationship. I don’t owe it to anyone to do that. It is not me giving in to people talking. It is me not going backwards. I want to move forward, not be stuck in the past. I know I have mentioned that I do have PTSD from my past relationship. That is really all you have to know. It messed me up and there is a ton of shame in that personally when I have to deal with making new relationships. It’s embarrassing to me that my old-self would allow that to happen.

I have grown so much from when this all occurred. I can honestly say that I am a strong, independent, take-no-shit person. There are a few things that I am weak in simply due to the fact that I have not learned to cope with them. It takes actually being in a certain position to deal with things you have never dealt with before. In the past coming on three years, I have been through a number of “friends”. I have lost, loved, and gained so much. I’ve purchased a home at the age of 23 – independently – which I never thought would happen. I’ve secured a wonderful, well-paying job to sustain everything that I could ever want at this point.

I am so proud of the accomplishments that I have completed by myself that I see no reason to talk about what has happened in the past. It has been a long haul, but I can finally say that my past does not define me. For a very long time, I was defined by my past. Everyone I knew, everyone that would see me, every time I would go anywhere my past relationship would be brought up. It was like I was not my own person. This is happening less and less. I am defining myself by good deeds and accomplishments of my own.

I know I have a ways to go mentally in dealing with mostly relationship-dealings. However, that will come. I am not looking for Mr. Perfect, but I am allowed to be picky. Dammit, I have gone through ENOUGH to have a say in who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Even saying that sentence, I find it hard to be true that one can even spend a lifetime with one person. I would truly love that though. We will see. The future is the only thing that can define that.

So, I guess here’s to the future? I am not scared anymore. I am taking life by the horns. I am ready for anything and everything life throws at me. I’ve been through the ringer, I already know that I can survive. Life does get hard sometimes… I have found that when it rains, it truly pours, but we cannot let that get us down. I try to look at everything with optimism. Rain brings growth – It is sometimes can be that simple.

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