Life Events · Ramblings

The Beginning

Every since I started a blog, I never truly had a purpose of writing. I knew I just wanted to have a place where I can write anything that I wanted without judgement. There are topics that I have avoided because of my own shame and embarrassment, whether real or not: one huge topic, one huge part of my life, was my past relationship that lasted roughly 6-7 years. I have never talked about it. I have not only not talked about it online, but I have never really talked about it with any person. Obviously, I have said yes, this happened, but beyond that, I have never gotten it completely off of my chest. I think it is time.

The only way I can truly get to tell what happened in my life is to start at the beginning. I’m not going to bore anyone with high school things or trivial matters. I am truly only going to talk about my relationship. I know there are going to be a few people from my home town that are always going to think they some how know more than me: the person who was there for every second of it. However, I do not care what you think you know. I am over it. People in this town have continued to talk about something that I have left behind me that ended THREE years ago still to this day. To them I say, have a blast… Talk about me all you want, because at least I have your interest.

I met this guy in high school. I knew of him in Junior High/Middle school. One of my friends from back there dated him, and I apparently did not listen to a word she said that he wasn’t that great. She was fairly mad at me for dating him, but I truly never intended to. It sort of just happened. We started hanging out after we both got out of relationships. I say relationships, but we were in high school, so I would not call that a relationship as kids being stupid. However, we were just friends. We hung out, talked, played video games, and laughed. Truly, that was about it. The first game we ever played together was Lego Pirates of the Caribbean. I think that is when he found that he liked me. He was a gamer and I was a gamer, so it worked out. At least that is why we were such good friends to begin with.

While we were friends, everyone around us started to tell me that he liked me. I was naive because I truly was not looking for anything and I did not see him that way. I just liked having a best friend. I distinctly remember we were at our local Walmart when he won me a teddy bear out of the claw-grab machine. It said “I love you” on it. I laughed it off because it was possibly the cheesiest thing that had ever happened to me up to that point. However, my cousin, friends, and my mother were convinced that he truly did love me. It is slightly a blur past that point, but we did start “dating.” It was not really “dating,” as it was just hanging out as dumb teenagers. Yet, those were the best times of my life, because of that simple reason – We were teenagers having a blast. There were no consequences, it seemed, for anything. As teenagers, you are never looking at the negative things all the time as we tend to do as adults. You truly focus on the positive things in your life as a kid and well, he was my positive thing. He was cute, charming, and funny, and I was naive.

We never really said, “Let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend.” Again, it just sort of happened. Like I said, I am not sure when it did happen exactly, we both just kind of knew at some point. Moving forward, there were red flags everywhere. This, of course, was not apparent to me, as I was a stupid teenager that thought I was in love. So, I was on top of the world. I was untouchable when I thought about being with him, simply due to the fact that he loved me. Except, there were so many red flags looking back now, that I cannot believe I let myself be so stupid, even as a kid. I remember the first true red flag like it was yesterday. We had all been hanging out, a few close friends of his and a some close friends of mine. We spent the night laughing at jokes, talking, and just having an all around good time. I remember the next day, he had to help his brother with something. He got out of the truck while I waited, and I was changing the music on his phone. He received a text that I ignored while I was picking a new song, but the texts kept coming. So, I clicked on it, and it was another girl he was texting from the previous night, stating things like: “I miss you baby”, “I’m on my way,” and “Come see me.” I was not even mad because I said to myself in that moment that this was just a fling. It was never going to last, so it was not important.

Except, it lasted.

Like I said before, this was a period of roughly seven years in my young-adult life. I am not going to write a huge story about this, but I am going to be writing them in sections. So I hope you all enjoy hearing a part of my life that truly no one else has known. It is just time to get it off my chest, out of my life, and hopefully help me heal from my anxieties. That is the main goal is to heal.

🖤

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