Life Events · Ramblings

The beginning – Continued…

The one thing that I did not know, was that the deceit of texting another woman in a relationship was so important. It would become the one thing that was a constant in our relationship. The word – cheating – became an active verb, whether it was acknowledged or not. Looking back, I feel that so many people knew about things that were going on behind my back. That might be the worst part about my entire past relationship. I realize it is not always someone else’s place to inform you of your life, but personally, I think it is extremely self-serving of people to keep hurtful information to themselves. Things could have been so different if people were simply more honest with me. The whole thing hurt in the end anyway. Why couldn’t someone just let me know? We live in a tiny town… I know people knew.

It was the fact that we live in a small town that hurt us the most. Knowing your neighbors is just a simple fact of small town living. However, that is not the reason any of this happened. But I digress… I was so naive back then. I was on top of the world. It was a textbook love. I was blinded by this so much that he would shine in my eyes. He was the first “love of my life” and quite possibly the only one up to this day. Loving someone is a hard thing to do. That love comes from loving their flaws, loving their habits, enduring what you do not like about them, and having each other’s backs. I truly thought we had all of this. This relationship lasted quite some time. I knew him and he knew everything that was me. That was the initial problem.

Knowing everything about one another is not a bad thing; however, it can get to the point that it is a crutch. You start using the other person whether knowingly or not. You push your own self-doubt, insecurities, and problems on to the other person. It starts small, but it can crush people that are not strong. If you are strong, then sometimes you may feel like it is your job to “fix” a person, when that is never your job to do.

Our relationship, like I said, started out as simply hanging out and getting to know one another. It was a great start to a wonderful friendship. He was my best friend. We did everything together, we shared mostly the same interests, and what we did share in disinterests held us together. The first part of our relationship was very much a high school disaster. If you know anything about high school, you know that people NEVER stop talking, trying to cause problems for others, and everyone has the maturity level of a six-year old. Therefore, high school kind of sucked in that department. I was SO messed up in the head. Not only did I have school to worry about, but I added so much more for myself to be worried about. I thought the world revolved around me and 95% of the time, the world was falling apart.

Except, the world was never falling apart. In fact, I was making it fall apart. Looking back, I was so god damn dramatic. It was almost as if I had two separate lives. My childhood life: Which consisted of hanging out with friends, being a teenager, and living a very simple life of life, school, sleep repeat. The other side of my life was a very adult-relationship life. This consisted of dealing with an older boy’s (yes, I use boy heavily) life, playing house, and trying to form this idea of what “love” looked like and make it a reality. This adult life came with way more serious things than simply being in a relationship and happy. It consisted of a constant battle with drugs, alcohol, and people demeaning myself for my own values. I grew up too quickly, but the worst thing about this is that I did it to myself.

By saying I did this to myself, I realize what I truly mean is, “I allowed this to happen to myself”. By no means am I saying this is anyone’s fault but mine. However, the people who were involved are at fault as well. Regardless of how innocent they want to make themselves seem. This story is so complicated that clearly I do not know where to start, how much to share with you all, and it is a jumbled mess in my head. Finally writing it out now seems so much more complicated than it has seemed in my head as an idea. This is the key reason that I have never wanted to truly talk it out. There is just too much, but I will try my best to make it a cohesive story that makes sense.

I know this post was a little bit messy. I just needed to get the mess out before I can truly understand where to begin to fit the clutter into paragraphs of a story. As always, thank you for reading. Look forward to my full intricate-life story soon to come!

🖤

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