It was at that moment he was texting other girls but claiming to be with me when my biggest mistake in self-worth happened.
I said, “This is okay because I don’t know where this is going. It most likely won’t last.”
In this moment I threw away any and all self-confidence I had. It didn’t matter where this high school relationship was headed, this was a huge red flag that I did not listen to. Unfortunately, I was too young to truly understand what a red flag even was. I had not experienced life in all her glory. I have to remind myself that I was only 16-22 when I went through all of this because I have so much self-hatred for allowing it to happen. I simply just did not know. I was so, so young that I just accepted everything that was thrown at me. I did what any other teenager would do at that age – I fell in love.
Well… I slowly became obsessed with whatever I thought “love” was suppose to be. I grew up in the early 2000’s therefore I did go through the “emo” stage. Consequently this meant that I was SUPER dramatic about EVERYTHING especially “love”. Do you remember the old memes of that decade?
Yeah, those. They were so dramatic, but they were life! Cute little characters describing love in hardcore ways. Ah, those were the days. Most everyone I know went through an “emo” phase and I will not believe you if you try to tell me that you did not, ha-ha. This was the equivalent of r/I’m14andthisisdeep. All of this was extremely ridiculous, but at the time everything felt so real.
He made me feel so powerful. I was on top of the world when I was with him. He truly understood me at the time. We could talk about anything. We were attracted to another another both physically and mentally. It was a love I had never experienced. He was my best friend in every way, shape, and form. I fell in love with everything about him. The way he laughed, the way he just did not care, and the way he could make me so, so happy. I feel in love with him and that meant falling in love with his flaws as well.
Flaws are apart of loving another human. They aren’t necessarily good or bad and we all have them. Except in my story, the flaws quickly turned into me accepting anything he would throw my way. Flaws that were not actually flaws but simply bad habits. Habits and traits behind a facade of constant sweet nothings and apologies.
The constant excuses became an everyday occurrence. Anything from disappearing acts, ignoring for days, and knowingly being distant simply to hurt me. Can I interject here in my own writing to discuss how detrimental this kind of behavior is to a young person? The constant back and forth between overly shown kindness and love to aggressive dislike and ignorance? I was too young to even be able to process these ideals. I never had experienced this kind of mentality of actively hurting someone on purpose. I guess in today’s world it would be referred to as “grooming”, but I had no idea. It was like living a failing marriage in which two people hated each other, but was legally obligated to pull through.
This boy and I were almost inseparable during out teen years except the fact that we would constantly “break up”. I cannot even count nor guess how many times we split up between 2010 and 2017. We would end things over lack of communication, talking to other people (cheating – one sided), or even friend drama. If you can name a reason to leave a person, we accomplished it more than once.
Regardless of how many times we ended things or for how long, we always drifted back to one another. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was the fact that being alone sucked? Maybe it was just because we were comfortable in our situation. For whatever reason, one of us would come back first. But boy, oh boy, could that boy talk. He had a way with words. He could get away with murder – at least with me anyway. He would be “so sorry… He was stupid for having left” or just simply “wanting another chance to get it right” and constantly reminding me that he would “Change, I can change. I just want to be with you”. Wanting another chance the first time quickly turned into the third time which turned into the 10th and the 12th time. It was a never ending circle.
I never stopped to wonder what this was doing to me mentally. It makes sense to look back on it, seeing everything falling apart, but it was never apparent in the moment. I was just so accepting of negative things in my life as a young person. It was only until one day I finally broke down from all the pressure.
In high school, I was in the dark about a majority of the problems happening in our relationship. There was a huge gap in his life that I was a not apart of. I was kept in the dark about so many things. From my perspective, I would be left behind, he would go to bars, and be with his older friends and I would simply hear about it or know something was wrong. He was a huge party guy and I was not. I was not raised around alcohol, drugs, or that mentality and I did not like it. As an introvert it was just too much stimulation for me. This brought such an abyss in our relationship. It was because of this reason that he could potentially live another life without me.
The aftermath always came from this lifestyle… Painful nights of being ignored, in full blown anxiety attacks from personal insecurities of knowing my boyfriend was with other girls, and being constantly ditched after we had made plans for other people. It took its toll on me. The irony in all of this was that I was pegged the “crazy” one in our relationship. I look back now and think it is slightly amusing because yeah, I was probably going crazy. You would too if a person you loved so much was literally kicking dirt in your face at every opportunity. I was living chaos and too young to know how to handle it. I was too young and naive to simply walk away. I was with a man (boy) who was one person with me and had another side of him that I had never met. He never invited me to social events, parties, or even work events… I was his known secret.
I remember, I was still living with my parents. He and I had plans for New Years. I had got off work and waited for him to call me. He had told me to come by his work at a specific time and we would go hang out. So, I did. I waited…
… And I waited…
I waited for a man who would never love me as much as he would love his ego. Except I was the one constantly losing. Finally, after waiting a few hours, having my texts and calls ignored, and being used… His car came into the parking lot! We were at a bar – I was underage – therefore, I could not even go in to see what was even going on. He pulled up, two girls got out of his car, this bitch (sorry) made full eye contact with me and proceeded to walk into the bar with said ladies.
I broke down.
This would not be the first or the last time I would have a break down. I was seriously in some raw pain. I would have friends of friends come up to me and ask me what happened in regards to my relationship simply because they had heard talk from others. They would accuse me of being the crazy one in the relationship constantly. The main thing that everyone would tell me was that I was controlling. This has still confused me to this day. If I had a lick of control that these people decided I had… Why was MY boyfriend with other chicks constantly? Why was I being ditched after plans were made for other people? Why was I constantly being cheated on and told to accept it? Where was this control that I had?
Fast forward a year or two in the constant cheating and lying bullshit. Years of this had taken a huge toll on my mental health. This damage to my mental health that I would not even know existed until much later in life. I was SO naive. People in my small town love to talk about other people. They love to say that they know the story even when literally the person who lived the story does not know them. In a way it is hilarious, but in the other way it is just mostly obnoxious. Everyone knew my story. This made me feel so small, so insignificant, and alone. I was a kid with un-diagnosed anxiety which would develop into acute depression. So I will gladly say “screw you” to anyone who added to this back then.
As most people know, anxiety comes in many forms. Mine come in the form of panic attacks. I used to just deal with social anxiety, but I am not sure what caused it, but I will have panic attacks in times of extreme stress. I was not aware of this. At least for me, it was not something that just happened and suddenly I knew what it was. No, I had to go through so much to understand the chemicals of my mind. This relationship that I was in did not help.
**TRIGGER WARNING – DO NOT READ ON IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SELF-HARM**
The bad things in our relationship would bring a sense of being overwhelmed and out of control. After one long night of being ignored, having mini-panic attacks, and over-thinking I woke up the next morning after very little sleep…
I basically blacked out and took a razor to my wrist.
I have never discussed this with anyone outside of my family, therapist, and close-close friends. However, this is just part of healing that needs to happen. I want everyone to know that NOW I am perfectly fine. This was in the past and that is where it will stay, but I do need to talk about it.
Now when I say, “blacked out”, I do mean I blacked out. I do not remember actually feeling nor doing this. That sounds ridiculous, but it is the truth. I came back to just in time to see the damage. I could see how closely I was to actually cutting my vein. There was the thinnest layer of see-through skin before my vein. It was disgusting. It triggers even myself thinking about it, which I never do. However, things on TV like that make my wrist “feel” things. It is all a mental thing, but it is real to me, I guess. Which is all that happened – a mental thing.
My mental health just broke at this moment back then. I am not ashamed of telling this story. In fact, I have had friends tell me that more people should tell their stories so others know that it happens. Regardless of what your intentions are, it happens. I want everyone to know right now that I am not blaming him or anyone for this. This is my story – do not make it about someone else – this is simply something that happened in my life due to cause and effect. I have every right to tell my story. However, this does come with the positive in which I pledged to never self-harm again. I got a tattoo that meant so much to me over the scars that were there. That is what life is about is making the negatives out to be positives.
However, I know in that moment it felt like there would be no positives in my life ever again. Simply because I chose to do something stupid however out of my actual control. I came to after I had done what I did and panicked. Panic is a weird thing. I knew no one was home at the time, but I found myself crying and calling out to people. I was scared, I guess. I finally went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. I continued to act and react irrationally. I was so alone in this moment. I did not have a car back then, so in my panic I only had the idea to walk to my exes house. It was roughly 3 miles from my parents, but that was the only option in my head.
I arrived at his house. I knocked but he would not even come to the door. Proceeding to knock on his window, still nothing, I was at a loss of where to go. He was acting as if he were mad at me. Like I was the problem just like he did in every other situation. I truly just needed help, someone to talk to, and someone to tell me that it was going to be okay. I did not need a boyfriend in that moment, I simply needed another human. Realizing I was not going away, he finally decided to see what I wanted. I explained what happened… He took me in angrily, super glued my wrist, and told me to go. In this moment, I knew that I could only truly trust myself.
I left. I was only a block or two down from my mother’s work. So, I texted someone she worked with to get her attention and she picked me up. I told her everything that I had always kept to myself and told her what happened that morning. I informed her that I needed some help and that I wanted to go to therapy. More so, I wanted everyone to be more open. Luckily in my case, I had a support system and a wonderful family to take care of me. I know the majority out there is not so lucky.
I can truly tell you if you are going through anything at all – Talking to some is so important. All of what I went through for year, simply talking to an expert helped me find out that I suffer from panic attacks. I am not embarrassed by any of this. I used to be, but why? I know who I am and who I was. I know what has changed and honestly? I LOVE who I am today.
Please anyone going through anything, if you need a person simply to listen, reach out. Also know that self-harm and suicidal thoughts or actions is never the answer. It may seem so at the time, but I promise you it is not what you truly want. It truly only makes things worse. There are so many better ways to fix things. Reach out. Take care of your mental health. Thanks for reading part two of my relationship chronicle! More next time!